Life Cycle

One of the hardest parts of life is when it ends.

Whether it be your own or a loved one, every life does pertain to the cycle; you’re born, you live, and then you go. Having to be the one to watch someone else’s cycle start and finish has to be the hardest thing I personally have been through.

If anyone knows me personally, they know that nearing 8 months ago, I lost my older brother Vinny. To see how life can change in the blink of an eye, and how fast it can go, has truly made me have a different perspective on life. I once believed life was by the book. One would grow up, go to school, get a job, fall in love, get married, start a family, grow old, and soon it would come to an end. Sadly, my brother wasn’t able to achieve some of the things on this list of ‘To-Do’ before his life ended.

When growing up no one warns you about this cycle, no one tells you that one day it does end. There’s no manual, or survival guide to life. Nor do you come into this world knowing what you’re truly getting yourself into. When you’re young, our authorities try to hide the worlds flaws from us. Hoping to make our journey through life easier for us, mostly so they don’t have to watch us get hurt. Some of these flaws are inevitable, things so little like breaking a bone, to more pain as a heartbreak. What they don’t show us are things like violence, drugs, alcohol, things that are known for hurting people in ways that our authorities know we aren’t able to handle.

Now, what about death?

I believe, as much as we hate to admit it, growing up we know what death is. Not as much how it happens or why it happens, but we know that it does. Death is something no one is trained to handle or even knows how to deal with because there truly is no one way of dealing with these types of tragedies.

So how do we handle it? What are we supposed to do?

For myself, emotions are my hardest obstacle in life. I’ve always been a very tough, thick-skinned girl who has a wall up and an attitude to hide behind. Yet, even death has made my wall crumble and my emotions spiral out of control. All the emotions I’ve spent years hiding because I couldn’t let people see me as weak. I wouldn’t let myself show emotions with people, I didn’t want myself to been seen as an easy target because I would let my emotions get the best of me.

Then my world changed, it was flipped upside down and it would never be the same.  A part of my family, my blood, my world was gone with the snap of a finger. There was no warning, no sign, no manual on what to do or to say. I was left alone and vulnerable. Empty in a sense. I remember clear as day sitting in the hospital waiting room, where a nurse told us that they did everything they could but nothing was enough. He was gone. I’m not certain if she even knew how much her words meant in that exact moment.  If she knew what that meant for my family. A family that has gone through hell and back, and now back to hell again. Thinking what we did to deserve this, or what my brother did to deserve this. That this isn’t fair and it couldn’t be happening. That all of the emotions that have been stored inside of me and beginning to pour out like a river.

My outlook on my life, my emotions, and my actions changed on February 13th, 2018. I began to look at life from a different perspective. This cycle and book went from being what I need to do, to a guideline of things that will happen. I will go to school, I will get a job, I will fall in love and start a family. But during this I will travel the world, I will choose to make a difference, I will achieve the goals that my brother wasn’t able to. I want to be able to say that that life watched me live instead of me watching my life go by. My emotions are turning into something I use to learn and better myself as a person, no longer a guard from what life is going to throw at me. My actions to help others rather than myself have been changed to a new level.

I want to use my life as an outlet to spread love, something my brother always taught me.

I love you, Vinny.

Always and Forever.

8 responses to “Life Cycle”

  1. So sorry this happend in your life , you’re so young to deal with this heartbreaking tragedy! You’re my strong beautiful inside and out daughter! Vinny was always so proud of you , he loved you so much ! His heart was so big he loved everyone ! Vinny will be an angel on your should for ever . I wish I could take the pain away . Love you , so proud of you !

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  2. Alexa this was a beautiful essay. Vinny will always be a part of you. Live life to the fullest and Vinny will always be in your heart.
    Xoxo Susanne

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  3. Beautiful, thoughtful, loving, and honest.

    Like

  4. Very well written! Your brother will always be with you

    Like

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